Read Between the Lines -A Rambling Autobiography

            When I was in grade one I struggled with reading and was put in a reading recovery program. I had always loved books and the stories they held but struggled to gain access to the written word. Now I have an honours degree in English literature and have worked as a research assistant where I spent my summer being paid to read.

            When I was in grade two the school library lost my library book and I wasn't allowed to check out a new book for years. I remember hating when library time would roll around because the librarian would yell at me for having not returned my book. I was too scared to tell my parents that I had possibly lost the library book so for over two years I went through this cycle of anxiety. The librarian never did apologise when it was discovered that the book was returned on time but was never scanned back into the system. It wasn't my fault that book was missing and it had been on the library shelves this entire time. I hated that librarian. Now the bookstore that I work at is my library and I can borrow books whenever I please, but I usually end up buying most of them. I have come to realise that there is no such thing as too many books only too few shelves.

            When I was in middle school my parents would scold me for reading constantly because they felt I was being anti-social. Now I have friends and a sport I love to play that I discovered through my love of the Harry Potter series. Had I not spent all that time reading about the magical world of Hogwarts I never would have felt compelled to join Quidditch.

            I could talk about books all day and my love of reading has become a significant portion of my identity. Now and then I catch myself going on and on about the books that I love; I wonder if my personality is as flat as the pages I read.

How Did It Get Late So Soon?

It's strange how I was only just complaining about how overwhelmed with school I was and now here I am, overwhelmed again.

I feel that this indicates one of two things; either I am just a person who has too much stress in their life, or I only feel the need to blog when I am near breaking point.

Regardless, let's catch up, shall we?

Over the summer I was working as a research assistant and the university and started a YouTube channel about books. The YouTube channel quickly fizzled out when I got a puppy (who is adorable) and I had to spend most of my time taking care of her.

Now school has started up again and I am drowning in homework. The classes I am taking this year are actually located in schools so I can get extra hands on experience working with kids. This means that in addition to the usual essays and assigned reading I am also responsible for planning a lesson that lasts 1 1/2 hours each day.

I also am experiencing some difficulties with one of the teachers I am working with because she has decided that she will not give me any guidance because I work at a bookstore and therefore should know the answers (??????) and has also requested me to find suitable books for my other classmates that are working in the classroom, despite my professor telling her to back off (!!!!!!!)

It is also incredibly frustrating because unlike when you are at practicum and considered a part of the school community and there every day, here I am only at the schools a couple of times a week and so I don't really have access to resources the school has like the library, the art supplies, and things like that. So I've had to buy over two hundred dollars worth of books for my lessons and provide my own craft and paper products for the activities I have planned because I am expected to bring everything with me.

I also need to be working on lesson planning for my practicum classroom which I will be returning to in just over a month. I am going to be in charge of 3 different units while there so I need to start doing research, gathering lesson ideas, and reading the novel we will be doing a novel study on, and I have yet to start any of that.

Lastly I am somewhat panicked as I know that I need to be working on my application to get into publishing grad school. I have a variety of textbooks that I need to read to gain the necessary knowledge to qualify (yikes) and I also have to build a portfolio as part of my application and I have no idea what to include in that (eep).

And that is a slice of my current anxiety ridden life.

In Too Deep

and I'm trying to keep up above in my head, instead of going under

So I didn't leave Kindergarten until 7pm today and that was only because my mom called and said she was picking me up then, otherwise my CT would have had me stay longer. Every day I am given a tremendous amount of work and each weekend I go home with a to-do list a mile long, despite the fact that I work weekends. Does my CT work weekends? Of course not, but I don't see her going home with hours and hours or prep work.

I could rant about field trips for hours and I think the entire school has become pissed off with my CT and she is oblivious to how unreasonable she is to work with. *cough* She had me book 3 separate field trips with the intention of cancelling the ones she didn't want and was constantly hoping for a better offer until the last minute. *cough*

In addition to the insanity that is my Kindergarten life, my work life has gotten a bit out of hand. A month ago a meeting was held to discuss a potential large scale Harry Potter party hosted by the store I work for. I was excited and said I wanted to be involved somehow. Apparently that translates to becoming chairperson of games and athletics. The people in charge of the party are now breathing down my neck to get details about my plans which I honestly haven't even started because I don't really understand their expectations of me and things like that. I am working part time at the store (everyone else who is heavily involved in the party is close to full time if not full time) so it makes things difficult.

I'm also stressing about University stuff, church stuff, and dance stuff.
When will this month be over?

Like a Piece of Metal Falling From the Sky

I am 23 years old and currently in University working on an education degree. I live at home with my family because it was what was affordable and made sense. I have worked my way through University and never had to borrow money from my parents or take out student loans. I am lucky that this has been an option and that I live in a country where post secondary education is affordable. That being said, in the past year I have discovered two things:

1. The career I am currently pursing, the degree I am currently working on, and what my entire academic life has primarily revolved around makes me unhappy and I dislike it but I don’t know what I would rather do so I’m stuck.
2. My parents terrify me.

Number 1 and Number 2 are very closely related. My parents (particularly my mom) constantly tell me that I do not need to be perfect, that I should not stress about the future, that it is okay to make mistakes. Until I make a mistake.

I have two sets of parents it seems. One set that is wonderful and supportive and the other that freaks out when I’m struggling and blames me for not trying harder, not doing better, not being more. As a result I dislike interacting with my parents on more than a superficial level and when I need to "rock the boat" it terrifies me.

Recently I confessed that I was confused about my current career direction and that perhaps I want to pursue something very different. This was a very difficult confession for me to make because I was terrified of my parents' response and I would not be able to answer the questions I knew I would inevitably be asked.

"If not this, what?"

"What made you change your mind?"

"Are you finishing your degree?"

I broke down one day and confessed what had been bothering me; my mom's response was as I expected, less than comforting. Initially she tried to calm me down, but that quickly turned into an attack. Asking the questions I didn't have answers to and accusing me of "deciding children were the spawn of the devil".

Things have simmered but are not resolved.

When most people discover that what they wanted to be when they grow up isn't what they actually want, they move on and pursue something else that interests them and gives them career satisfaction.

I in contrast have mapped out the next four years and panicked because I feel that it is too late to make a decision of this magnitude, that I've made my bed and now I need to lay in it. This is absurd and I recognize that it is absurd, but I believe it goes back to the amount of pressure that my parents put on me to never make a misstep.

This isn't just something I experience, I can see it in my sisters as well. My youngest sister is at the point where she has a mental breakdown when she gets less than a 100% on a test and begs teachers to let her retake tests because she got a single question wrong. My parents have the three of us so tightly strung that it is only a matter of time before the strings break.

If not this, what?

Killing My Social Life

Why is everything always on Friday night?

I work Fridays until 10 and then early the next morning. It makes it so I can't go out and see friends because it seems like things are ALWAYS on Fridays.

I'm beginning to worry people will think I'm flaking or that I just don't want to come out, but it actuality it's because I'm stuck at work.

TGIF just doesn't mean the same thing in retail.

Should I Stay or Should I Go ???

The Train

The trees disappear past you

You push forward

Blindly.

Why see what lays ahead

The path is smooth in front.

Predictable. Planned.

The train hurtles on.

Not stopping.

Never stopping.

You are but a ghost 

Of the person who boarded the train.

Mere traces of the original

Passenger.

The destination now leaves

A stale taste in your mouth.

But still the train hurtles on.

Not stopping.

Never stopping.

The train has always been there.

There was never another plan

Other than the trains' master schedule.

Leaving is frightening.

The train is predictable.

The planned is familiar.

There is no tacks into the unknown.

The train still hurtles on.

Not stopping.

Never stopping.

The only stop is the end of the line.

The end of time.

Not stopping.

Never stopping.

But the train still hurtles on.

And on.

And on.

If...

If you won the lottery what would you do with the money?

You have suddenly come in to several millions of dollars. How would you use the money?
Would you donate the money to your favourite charity?
Would you travel around the world?
Would you buy a fancy new house and car and clothing?
What about your career?

Would you continue with the career you are currently involved in?
Would you use the money to help further purse this career?
Would you change your career entirely or "retire"?'

If you won the lottery, how much would it change your life.

I'm honestly very curious about this. Please discuss in comments?